Political Bitches

All right, this one goes out to all the Hillary Clinton supporters who’re planning to vote for McCain— or to not vote at all— this November.

Hello. You’re an idiot.

I mean, Jesus fucking Christ. Get off your high horse. No one is impressed with your uncanny ability to put your own juvenile petulance before the good of the country. In fact, I’d be willing to wager that everyone who isn’t in your camp— democrats, republicans, independents and fellow children alike— is watching you curiously, wondering whether there isn’t some epidemic of retardolitis going around.

But just so I’ve got this straight: you rally around Clinton like she’s the Second Coming because she’s fought for universal health care, higher minimum wages, tax cuts for the middle class, alternative energy, and a timetable for our troops to return from Iraq. Yet you are willing to vote for someone who’s against universal health care, voted against the minimum wage increase, plans to make Bush’s tax cuts for the top 2% permanent, endorses off-shore drilling, and refuses to even acknowledge that our troops should come home.

I’m sorry, but… I’m obligated to ask. Are you aware of a concept known by the modern man as “logic”? It’s a tough one, I know, and something you’ll clearly have to struggle with for the rest of your self-indulgent little life. But for a moment, would you do me the honorable favor of at least attempting it?

Barack Obama— while far from perfect— sides with Clinton on 95% of the issues. Not only does he side with her on them, but he also largely agrees with her on how to implement them. Or have you not thought of that? I suppose it’s possible that you’ve missed all the glaring similarities on that which is most important, given all the time and energy you’ve been dedicating to fulfilling your own egotistic notions of political justice. I mean, really? Really, folks? You’re going to vote for McCain— a republican, a senator with whom Hillary Clinton passionately disagrees— to “honor” your candidate in a poorly-executed, half-assed attempt to ease your own vindictiveness? My God. How utterly poor and pathetic. How, precisely, does it honor your candidate by voting into office someone with opposite opinions and clashing values? How does that help anything, solve anything, prove anything, other than your own conceit? I’m asking sincerely here. I am hoping that one of you will be able to enlighten me with your world-class rational thinking.

Here’s what I’ve been hearing a lot of in response to those questions: “My vote is precious to me, it doesn’t just go to the next person in line. Obama doesn’t have a right to it, he must earn it, and so far he hasn’t done that. So far, he’s failed to make clear where he stands on certain issues and how he plans on running his administration, should he win. It isn’t about being vindictive, it’s about ensuring my vote is given to the right person.”

LULZ. I’ve got to hand it to you, really, because no one’s made me laugh quite like that since Bush asked “what’s the difference between Sunni and Shia?” And that, by the way— that quote up there?— practically verbatim, from a woman in charge at the “Just Say No Vote” coalition. That’s their official stance on the matter. And let me break it down.

i. So far he’s “failed to make clear where he stands”? Well, if that’s true, you’re an idiot. Because then why did you support Clinton in the first fucking place? Why did you hail her as a demigod if you didn’t know where Obama stood on the issues? Wasn’t that unbearably irresponsible of you, to support a candidate when you weren’t even aware of her rival’s credentials? You could have been supporting the lesser person, and not have even known it. So shame on you for being politically negligent and careless. You gave your vote away without having a full picture of the candidates— the absolute farthest fucking thing from treating it as if it’s “precious.” So it’s ironic that you would claim the “holiness” of your vote after handling it like a recyclable Coke bottle.

ii. Secondly, “my vote doesn’t just go to the next person in line.” Well apparently it’s given away without understanding where the hell anyone stands, so you’re hardly the poster child for responsible voting, dumb ass. And no, you’re right— it shouldn’t go to the next person in line. But how about the next closest candidate to your own? How about to the person your own candidate has fearlessly and fervently endorsed? Because you’ll trust her with those 3 a.m. phone calls, won’t you, but not with supporting someone else? You’ll trust her judgment enough to readily place the fragile economy, the fate of the war in Iraq, health care, social security, and nuclear fucking weapons in her hands… but not enough to let her guide you to another politician with shared values? Wow, I just can’t tell you how less and less surprised I become by your overwhelming enthusiasm for senselessness.

That aside, there are those of you who at least show yourselves for what you truly are— morons, in case you were wondering— by not hiding the fact that you’re only supporting McCain because you’re sore about losing the primaries. I suppose a congratulations is in order for owning up to your own stupidity— they do say the first step is admitting you have a problem. You’re on the right track. Perhaps from now on you could introduce yourself thusly: “Hi, I’m ______, and I’m a moronaholic.”

Hillary Clinton’s a big girl. She’s over it, she’s lived to fight another day, and she’s being responsible and intelligent by vehemently endorsing the candidate who best reflects her opinions while you disgraceful bastards smear her hard work by giving a bad name to Clinton supporters everywhere. You’re detracting from her credibility with your cheap kindergarten antics. You’re doing a disservice to the woman you so tenaciously admire. But you know something? You’ve proven that this isn’t about her. It’s about you— it’s all, always, been about you. You care nothing for Hillary Clinton. You care nothing for the issues with which the next 4 years will be shaped, you care nothing for the elections or the consequences. You care only for yourself. Because no one, regardless of political affiliation or belief, consciously chooses to support their candidate’s enemy purely out of spite if they aren’t entirely and completely self-important.

And here’s the truth no one else seems to be saying: it just doesn’t fucking matter. You think the primary season was unfair? Why, because Florida and Michigan FUCKED UP and the DNC actually went through with their warning? Or because you believe sexism reared its ugly head and that’s why she lost? Maybe that’s true, but you know what’s worse than mixing sexism and politics? Selfishness and politics. Your “my feelings before our country” attitude is sickening. You sad little fucks are flocking to John McCain with a rallying cry that might as well be “I love myself and my own hurt feelings more than the troops, more than the wellbeing of the economy, more than THE SHIT THAT REALLY MATTERS.” And I cannot even begin to detail precisely how nauseating and pathetic that is. I am disgusted to even live on the same continent as you. If you want to sob over Clinton’s defeat, go ahead. Cry into a pillow and blare Death Cab for Cutie like a normal person. But don’t you dare jeopardize this election and this country with your painfully self-righteous, self-centered little agenda. It’s revolting.

So grow up. It’s a big world out there, full of foreign concepts like common sense and maturity. Climb out of the sandbox, little ones, and move on into the world of adults. Get some perspective. And while you’re at it, buy yourself a nice hardback copy of Webster’s and look up the term “logic.”

And if that fails, at least you’ll already be close to home, “losers.”

With Love,

Elysa